Sophie abandoned me, Lav is stalking me, I left Mik now I'm isolated. I'm especially creeped out because of Lav and don't know what she'll do next or how long it will go on for but it grosses me out even writing about her here so I probably won't talk about it in future. 

I've been listening to hypnosis to get over a crush because I have to forget him. I hate doing this because it's sad to have to let feelings of love die when they can make life brighter, but it's hurting and not in my best interest to feel this way. I've just been working constantly and it may be a psychological hazard. My first thought this morning was that I have to save myself. I'm still planning to get fucked up in London and go to Meltdown. I'm depressed and shutting down. I've made up my mind to get more dermal fillers. I can't identify anything specifically wrong with my face but I'm still reluctant to go on cam. It's almost 6am now, I'm going to go to the shop for food then do a few more German lessons. 

How am I feeling... Abandoned and suicidal. I've been sleeping 12 hours a night for the past few days, at least that even though I've been taking smart drugs. I'll phone my GP tomorrow for zopiclone. I'm shutting down, have only been focused on studies. I've been flirting with men on Fetlife as well because I'm ready to do something reckless. 

I'm here for mental health reasons. I just isolated myself from everyone. There is no point in my continuing my old diary because I'm not who I once was and am ashamed of how mentally ill I came across, I don't want anyone reading that. 

Things are real bad so I have a flight to London booked soonish to go get fucked up, run away again, hopefully die. I have KCL here but don't really want to go that way. I thought drinking it would be nice, I can deal with the pain, but it would make me think of my dad. He had stomach pains at the end and was screaming for five days. If I inject it I'll die in under a minute. I'd rather OD on something where there's a gamble. I want to be half-hearted about my suicide. Having a gun would be another story. I guess I'd rather take drugs than KCL because then I might feel okay at the end? Not just have a panic attack. 

The people that were helping me cope are really killing me. When you accept less than what you deserve you become broken, I know I don't deserve the people who are in my life, I deserve better. I feel like the past year wasn't worth living, that it was another bad year because I was surrounded by people who don't deserve me. That's what makes me want to die the most. I feel like people will only ever try to hurt me and it's the past hurt that makes me want to die, I remember all the bad things. My life was not worth living because I have never been truly happy.

So I've isolated myself, cut everyone off, cut my wrists and have been listening to hypnosis to get over a crush, for fear of abandonment, for deeper self-respect. That should heal my soul on one level but I'm not sure how long I can last having absolutely no one. I feel like I'm being forced to kill myself. I know I'll hurt myself everyday to try and cope with the lonliness.

Now that I think about it, I've only gotten this far in life because I'm broken. I pretend things are fine. They're not and I am better off dead than living a life with constant emotional abuse and no friends. I have never once felt better after opening up to anyone because I feel like they don't really care. Is that normal? To have never had a friend to open up to? They just make me feel gross after. 

For now I'll focus on my studies, self-harm and listen to hypnosis, then I'll take drugs in London.