I want to hide. I didn't wake up today and now I feel drowsiness creeping in, I know I'll be out for another ten hours and don't want to be just yet. I tried to kill myself but the drugs gave me an emotional lobotomy or I dissociated. It turns out the coke dealer wants to fuck me, was saying I deserve to be treated like a princess. I don't want to be with anyone, I'll never trust anyone but maybe he can make me happy? If he can take my emotions away, give me coke daily. I want to die anyway so why not? No one should have to go through what I did and no one will ever understand the gravity of it all. Trying to make people understand makes me feel misunderstood. I'm trying not to self-harm because I know it will be because of him. I won't have peace until I've killed him and that could take years. At least I know no one will hurt me again because I'm never letting anyone into my life. 

I'm trying to do the things I normally do, make sure the moping doesn't lead to wasted time and more resentment. If I decide to be with the coke dealer it will be because I'm still hurting. I don't want him to affect my life at all like that but I know I'm never going to be with anyone, I'll never trust anyone. A coke dealer is the only person I can be with now. I don't know why everyone tries to hurt me.

I feel a burst of dizziness so will go back to the void now.