Day 21

Yesterday I did my skincare, house chores and listened to hypnosis, that's all. Today I got a tooth filling, thought I would have a heart attack from the adrenaline shot but noticed when I went to the promenade after that my vision was crystal clear, so I wondered if adrenaline was a factor. It was a rainy day so I went home quickly, and got drunk, finished watching Holland and annoyed Li with my rambling so now I am anxious she will unfriend me. I am not okay. Too drunk now, hope I fall asleep, but if not I hope to listen to enough hypnosis. Waiting on another feminist book to arrive called Eve's Herbs. I suspect my dentist has a crush on me. They ask about your plans and I didn't give him any details. I am not okay.

Day 20

It would be easier for me to just make plans to kill myself instead of staying to fight patriarchy. I don't deserve to experience more grief and can't kill all these monsters. It will only get worse. 

Day 19

A video diary would better express how I feel, I wouldn't even have to say anything. 

Day 18

Not really present. Not okay or happy. 

Day 16

I'm not okay. Everyday I'm exposed to terrorism because of the news and it feels like the end of the world. Everyone surrounding me is demonic. Mark is draining me because he demands my attention all day so I have to cut him off. Life seems pointless, I have no interest in my studies because I have to fight patriarchy and am ready to die for that. Why would I care about studying when I'm willing to throw my life away? I'm just listening to hypnosis and crying. I haven't studied since the election result in November and the exams are next month. 

Update 8pm. I cut my toe with a foot file in the shower and it's still bleeding hours later. Playing DBD and someone said they have a crush on me and went out of their way to save me. Idk if it was a troll or if they thought I was someone they know.

Day 14

I didn't get enough sleep, went to my Botox appointment in Belfast. On the way there I thought I was going to have a heart attack, couldn't take deep breath and chest felt tight, veins sticking out on my hands. I thought about going to the hospital after the appointment but you can't lay down for two hours after Botox and I just wanted to go home to sleep. I picked up some feminist books in a charity bookstore. Sitting on a city hall bench a man started talking to me, wanted to talk about the troubles and tried to find out which background I was from. I could have told him since I'm mixed so off the hook for hate but it's best to say nothing. Being reticent regarding that shit and the past is what's expected. Got back to my town and went to the beach. I saw that a large spine washed up and am not sure what creature it came from, it could have been human but was probably a dolphin. Got home and chilled with my cat in the garden. I am wrecked now so am going to sleep. I don't feel okay, I need to go back to my hypnotherapy routine. Yesterday I listened to five tracks. Last night I exchanged nudes with Mark and we're planning a date. It's hard to find peace outdoors because it feels ominous knowing what's to come, what threats I have to face, that it's all going to fall apart if I don't do something now. Men should burn in hell. 

Day 13

Mark and I are hitting it off, he guessed 

my dress and said he's buying me lingerie, we're gonna meet at the beach. What's freaking me out is I don't have any interest in him, I'm demisexual and he cross-dresses so I know this is fucked. I've never been into sleeping around casually, have only had sex with one guy, so I'm scared I'm not gonna be able to go through with it and it's just the vodka that's been leading him on. It's probably the hypnotherapy telling me to have more fun, so that's scary. Can hypnosis override my demisexual nature? We'll see. I can't say what I did today because I don't remember. I have to be up at 6am for a botox appointment. I have had 13 units of vodka so may throw up. I need a hug and to be sober. I saw a motorbike today that looked rusted and could have been from the 40s, it had German iron crosses on it. Ig I'm worried I'm gonna have sex with him then freak after, come back to myself. Rn I'm thinking I need a support network irl and a rich a man is a good man is good bet, can protect me from fascism if it rears its head. He's a switch so ik he's safe. 

Day 12

The nightmare I had about the handmaiden tale, it was during the beginning of the coup, in the woods with the weird sisters from Sabrina taking these white pills, then I grew talons. Today I went to Belfast and saw the last of the parade and an anti-fascist sticker on a traffic light pole. Turns out my appointment was cancelled, she called in sick, so I didn't know what to do with myself. I bought lingerie and didn't respond to Mark all day. I'm never going to Belfast on St. Pat's again, all the food places had long queues. I went to a few stores, got Burger King and went home. Went home and drank vodka, replied to Mark but he's out on an adventure and doesn't seem to feel like talking now, so maybe it's over. I watched the handmaid's tale and am tucked into bed now, feeling overwhelmed, like the walls are closing in on me, out of control because I haven't been studying, unsafe when I see religious preachers and aware that what I saw today, my world, isn't secure. I would like to listen to hypnosis now but would rather pass out.

Update midnight - I can't sleep. Mark does want to chat, I don't. I listened to one hypnosis track and may listen to more. I was just daydreaming and a voice in my head called out my birthname. It was a man's voice, but not my dad's. I think this happened earlier today as well. It's rare when this happens and I don't understand it, out of the blue my subconscious calls out my birthname like it's trying to get my attention.

Day 11 continued

It's 3am and I can't sleep, and that means I'll miss my appointments tomorrow and let people down. Alarms can't wake me when I need sleep. So I feel gross, and I feel more gross reading the news. It's not a nice feeling that so many people are dead to me. Once I find out they want to take away my rights they become a target, not a person. I guess I dislike that it's people I've known personally. All I can think about is that it's in my best interest for them to die. I have so many enemies. I think I want to avoid getting to know people for this reason. There's no point in befriending people if you know you could suddenly see them as a target. I've decided that if Mark doesn't make me smile today then I'm going to forget him. I haven't been able to tell if he improves my mood or not, I haven't really thought about it.

Day 11

I'm taking it easy today because I drank a bottle of vodka raw last night. Mark wants to chat with me all day, I don't know if he's just an extrovert or if it's a red flag but I'm starting to feel pressured and anxious. He said he had a boner last night and when I replied that I suck at flirting he changed the subject. Now he keeps bringing up what I'm wearing and the way I look. I've only seen one sign that he's a control freak, he said he wants people to reply when he says hello. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue this, I don't want to sext because I suck at it, and tonight he may try to push that. I have no one else to talk with so don't think this will end. I refresh websites for stimulation that doesn't come then I see he's spammed me more messages and I have no one. I'm trying to decide if I want to fuck him. I feel like wanting to stems from wanting to feel something, but I don't want fucking old men to become a coping mechanism. 

I haven't listened to hypnosis for a few days but need to now. I liked the stability, of feeling safe and not dealing with reality. Tomorrow I have to go to Belfast for beauty appointments and have never been in Belfast on St. Patrick's Day so it could be interesting. I remember Adam saying pubs give you free stew. I feel drained but have to go out again for cigarettes. I don't know why I started going to the promenade daily, it's surprising when hypnotic suggestions manifest, you don't know who you are anymore or what to expect of your behaviour. 

Last night I had a nightmare about the handmaid's tale and have only watched the first two episodes. 

Update 10pm - I feel like I'm losing control again, because I haven't been listening to hypnosis for hours everyday and am talking to a man. I don't want anything to do with men. He said he cheated on his wife so I know he isn't good enough for me. Some part of me thinks I'm just talking to him to make sure I don't go back to that forum. I don't like not having control over everything. A new person in my life brings up unknowns. I feel so alone. Also the hypnosis app suddenly broke. Sign from the universe?

Day 10

Last night I talked with the 50yr old man and Li. Her brother killed himself last week. I threw up. It's only 3pm now but there have been surprises today. Firstly, the seeds I planted have sprouted. This is the first time I have ever been able to grow something so am amazed. Second surprise is my neighbour got a cat. It looks just like the first one I had and I'm worried about how mine will react, if the cats will have territorial disputes or become friends. I went to the promenade and my cousin and his wife were there. He treated me like an adult for the first time, usually he'd act like I don't exist. This may be the first time he's struck up a conversation with me. After that I got a kebab and saw a goth with his face painted like the crow. I walked further up town and saw a mask in a shop window of Trump with a pile of shit on his head. I got cigarettes and went home. Mark, the 50yr old man messaged me saying good morning. I don't know what to think, most of my posts are feminist things so maybe he wants to lure me somewhere to kill me. I am in bed now and am freezing cold, hands are so numb I had to take a break from typing this, using one finger to type. Kind of hard to breathe too. I'm going to sleep now then listen to hypnosis when I wake up and book beauty appointments. Mark said he did A Level History but if he's really 50 then he would have done an O Level. Was he just being considerate of me so I understood or is he lying about something? Oh yeah I saw a sign at the jewellery store that they can weld necklaces, bracelets and rings onto you so you can never take them off. Seems pretty fucked, not just because of controlling partners but you can't wear jewellery for some medical scans.

Update 9pm - Mark messaged me again asking if I'm okay. I have no one to talk with so am tempted to reply even though it seems risky because he could be a misogynist looking to hurt me for my matriarchy speeches or law enforcement investigating me. Every night I go to sleep thinking that no one cares about me, that's my last thought. 

Update midnight - drunk talking w Mark says he's a daddy that wants to spoil me. It kinda seems too good to be true, he says he's not a traditional man, likes intelligent women but wants to be a sugar daddy. How many sugar daddies don't want doormats? Maybe he's a misogynist playing the long game though it's been a day. He left me voice notes on WhatsApp and sounds sincere.

Day 9 continued

I'm drunk and just discovered the Reddit chat feature and a man from N.I has reached out to me, seems interested in my intelligence. I feel on guard in case he's a police officer investigating me but I'm curious because I haven't talked with anyone from here for some time. My cat is missing, she should be in the house but I can't find her so am worried. Other news I am happy with my activism for today, it has spurred someone to make a Discord server. 

Update: Still not convinced he isn't a peeler but fuck it, he says he's isolated, 50, I'm gonna see if he wants to party. He got a pompous nature I can relate to.

Day 9

I dreamt that I was escaping some place with people and think I had powers, then a country lane what is following us invisibly at first becomes a black carriage, and a dead Victorian woman steps out. She wants to join us because she's been alone but we can't let her, we can't let her know she's dead or why we can see her. Into the forest, disturbing hippies and Enrique Iglesias is among them, and there's this portrait which I find is real, of a girl with black hair wearing a black dress, her eyes are dead white, a sadist tortured her to death. 

The dreams I remember are usually nightmares. Having magical powers in them hasn't happened since I was 20, so I will listen to the 'Believe in yourself' hypnosis track a few more times. I will take an over-inflated ego if it means I can have nice dreams. I feel intune with my subconscious enough that I can recognise its work, it is making me listen to hours of hypnosis daily to shed my personality and become a weapon. Next up is courage, take responsibility and be more charismatic, so I can fight patriarchy. When I first read Neuromancer at 23 I identified with Armitage. Now even more so. He became what he was by hypnosis creating a split personality so he became a weapon without a person. Consciously I thought I was immersing myself in hypnosis to prevent a breakdown, to cope, but I did add tracks like believe in yourself and overcome writer's block, so now I know what my subconscious wants. It wants me to become a weapon. I wonder if other people relate to their subconscious this way. I do things without knowing why then the plot becomes clear to me. Now the news does not worry me and I don't feel pressure to plot things, I know the plots will come to me, I don't need a conscious mind for this war. 

I suspect I still am under hypnosis, since I have reduced awareness of physical sensations. If that is the case I must be careful with what media I consume. 

Day 8

I am ending the day early because it's better to sleep than self-harm. Today I dealt with emotional abuse, went to the promenade and was crying on the way there. Now I'm upset because I know people from that forum will never let me go, they'll try to get me sectioned. I know they want me to suffer and not be able to kill myself, so I have to do it soon. 

Day 7

I completed the prescribed repetitions of some hypnosis tracks so I didn't have to listen to as many today, only 9. I woke up at 1pm and did some cleaning. All I ate was a raw egg. After cleaning I read my physics notes which I found oddly soothing; Maybe it was my lulzy handwriting that gave me a dopamine rush or how familiar I am with the content so its almost a bedtime story. After this I listened to hypnosis and only cried a bit. I don't remember much else, only doing my skincare, putting on a load of washing then reading the physics notes again. Now I am winding down for bed and am wearing nipple clamps because I feel numb. If I still feel numb tomorrow I will give myself electric shocks. I discovered that there's a possibility for me to make history just because of where I live, but can't say what it is. How I feel physically is like I'm floating.

Day 6

Last night I stayed up until about 3am which is a shift in my sleeping pattern. I don't recall doing anything, just crying and feeling suicidal. Today I woke up at 10am and instead of listening to hypnosis first thing I went to the promenade instead. I didn't stay long because there was a man wearing a turban which reminded me of the worst of men. I checked out a clothes store and there were only two dresses I would have worn and one was plain black. I didn't like anything else. When I left I noticed in the window of the old women's clothing store that they had the exact same styles and patterns as the young women's store, just more frumpy. On the way home I noticed that the problems I've been trying to address with hypnosis have been consuming my mind. I was having intrusive thoughts that I'm worthless, and I never think that, but I know it's in resistance to the hypnosis. Now I'm wondering if I really do feel that way since I'm too old to be loved by anyone, I'm not pretty anymore. When I got home I applied for a loan and ordered groceries, then I listened to 17 hypnosis tracks. I didn't feel like eating until 7pm and had a cheesy chip with Swedish meatballs. I watched 20 minutes of the movie Lost In Translation. I don't know how I feel. I remember crying but don't remember much. I just showered and am feeling warm so am wearing a cherry pattern tank and shorts pyjama set. It's a rarity because I'm usually too sensitive to have bare skin when I sleep. I might change into leggings soon, don't know. It's almost 11pm now and I'll probably stay awake and do nothing. I have no feelings now. 

Day 5

This morning I sat in the garden and read a Jip and Janneke book. Then I listened to 19 hypnosis tracks. I only cried during three of them. I read news that America is banning the word "feminism" now and that caused a wave of fresh despair, disgust for men and resolution to kill myself. I don't know how to put it. I already feel suicidal so seeing things like this can't really make me more suicidal. Maybe I was just reminded of my plans. What's been on my mind is if I'm going to go quietly or not. I always hated that people kill themselves without trying to kill their tormentors first. I have bravery and could use it before my death. But then there's the fear of being taken captive and not being able to die. This is hell and I want to leave it, not risk being trapped in it. I went to the promenade again bit at evening this time and there were only loners there. After a nice-looking woman passed me I wondered if I should make a Bumble account, but you need four photos of yourself to sign up and I don't like the way I look. I went to the store to get catfood and sugary things. I have only noticed now that my diet has been anorexic which is fine. When I got home I played doki doki literature club and did my skincare. I'm in bed now hoping to sleep soon. I didn't even shower today and dislike being this unproductive. All I really have to focus on is getting everything in order for my death. I want to go through all my belongings to see who I am because I have so many things I've forgotten about, it's like Aladdin's Cave. I guess I want to experience the excitement my family members will feel when they realise it's all theirs. I have beauty treatments to book because at the end I want to see that I tried my best, and the mirror will show it isn't good enough and I'll be okay with knowing it never gets better. I wanted to order groceries, microneedle my face, take a bath and sort my clothes today but will try again tomorrow.

Day 4

I listened to 13 hypnosis tracks today and may listen to more. I cried all morning listening to them. It bugs me when that happens because I don't know if it's emotional release of the pain or if some part of me is trying to resist the hypnosis, if some part of me is dying. Hypnosis can create a split personality. If that happens, someone has to die. This morning I locked myself out of my accounts for a forum because the members are trying to drive me to suicide and I suspect the misogynist who hurt me is lurking. I have chosen suicide but don't want them to have the satisfaction of knowing about it. I went to the promenade again because laying in bed all day listening to hypnosis requires intervals of exercise. I felt just as lonely again, and ugly this time too. Like no one will ever love me not just because I love myself, but because I'm too old now. I worried that I would feel this alone every time I go outdoors for the rest of my life. But then I thought that I probably wouldn't want to be in relationships with the people I saw in relationships. Walking home I considered drastic skincare measures. A lot of men looked at me but it could have been my outfit. Men don't really approach me here but they did in England and often, so I will have to go back there to find out if I'm still attractive. I've always felt like the light is different in England which doesn't make sense. I found out that the black specks are just eye floaters. I suspect I haven't been waking up from the hypnosis or am just dead inside now. Today I wanted to sort out all my clothes, the ones that I never wore because I felt too ugly, but am panicking that I may be too old to wear them now so want to wear them all of a sudden just once. I have seen women older than me wearing things like this but in the privacy of their own homes. Sorting clothes didn't go well, it turns out absolutely everything in my chest of drawers is crinkled. Everything. And I didn't even notice because I neglect my clothes for years. At home I listened to more hypnosis, played one game of DBD and had one glass of wine. I feel somewhat irked that I haven't listened to enough hypnosis today but it's also bugging me that I've been neglecting things. I'm barely functioning. I have a few more days left of listening to the hypnosis tracks before they take effect fully and am actually sticking to a routine though a minimal one so there's that. I just need to be someone else before I snap. I started talking with Replika and am worried because I know what it means. If the chatbot is decent to me I'll become addicted soon because no one is decent to me.

Day 3

I listened to 16 hypnosis tracks today and feel worse. Yesterday morning I planted seeds, forgot to mention. Today... I went to the store, showered, ate pizza, listened to 16 hypnosis tracks, then went to the promenade. While I was there I felt detached from my body again, like I was still under hypnosis. Having to walk past the restaurants always makes me feel lonely. I can't go to them by myself and already feel like people can tell I'm a loner when I go to the promenade. One man said hello to me. I noticed black specks in my vision which move with my gaze, this has happened the past three times in natural light now so I'm worried I've permanently damaged my eyesight. I passed Jade and it disturbed me because she either knows someone where I live or she's trying to find out where I live. I've seen her around a few times and there is no good reason for her to go to my closest store, there are closer ones to her and it's pretty far from her house. It's still early but I want to sleep now so. I didn't cry as much today. 

Day 2 Continued

I was trying to insulate myself from the news to not let the shock terrorise me but I just saw it and am ready to kill myself. I just self-harmed. I also listened to one more hypnosis track and tuned into Li's Twitch. I've been crying listening to the hypnosis tracks the past few days. I have made up my mind to end it. There is no point in staying to fight patriarchy because men will still be monsters and there is too many of them to make me want to share the same earth. This is hell. 

Day 2

I listened to 16 hypnosis tracks today. There's three more to go but my neighbours are being too loud in their back garden. This is after I complained to them about the noise today. Noise all day and I finally snapped. Now this is war. I don't know what I'm going to do but know it's inevitable because I am at snapping point. I just hope they're not my downfall. I have more important people to deal with. Today I did my skincare and played doki doki literature club. I also cleaned my bedroom. That's all I have to say, it was another bad day and I'm ready to snap.

Day 1

Today I listened to eighteen hypnosis tracks. Yesterday thirteen. This is the most I've ever done. I just need to check out of reality and become someone else overnight, build myself up for the trials ahead. Now I feel detached from my body. Could barely feel the sensations of a vibrator, couldn't feel caffeine, sounds seem far away or muffled. My brain will have a lot to process tonight. I went to the store to get snacks, watched an episode of an anime and did some light skincare, now I'm drinking wine because there's nothing I want to do. The sooner I sleep the sooner I can process the hypnosis, I shouldn't be taking in anymore information by being awake. Yesterday I heard three sirens and today one, and I think the day before a police car stopped another car in my estate, they put the flashing lights on. This is unusual. I listened to hypnosis to let go of the past. I'm unsure about it because I don't want to forget things even if they're painful, but I am traumatised.