Day 11

I'm taking it easy today because I drank a bottle of vodka raw last night. Mark wants to chat with me all day, I don't know if he's just an extrovert or if it's a red flag but I'm starting to feel pressured and anxious. He said he had a boner last night and when I replied that I suck at flirting he changed the subject. Now he keeps bringing up what I'm wearing and the way I look. I've only seen one sign that he's a control freak, he said he wants people to reply when he says hello. I guess I'm just wondering if I should continue this, I don't want to sext because I suck at it, and tonight he may try to push that. I have no one else to talk with so don't think this will end. I refresh websites for stimulation that doesn't come then I see he's spammed me more messages and I have no one. I'm trying to decide if I want to fuck him. I feel like wanting to stems from wanting to feel something, but I don't want fucking old men to become a coping mechanism. 

I haven't listened to hypnosis for a few days but need to now. I liked the stability, of feeling safe and not dealing with reality. Tomorrow I have to go to Belfast for beauty appointments and have never been in Belfast on St. Patrick's Day so it could be interesting. I remember Adam saying pubs give you free stew. I feel drained but have to go out again for cigarettes. I don't know why I started going to the promenade daily, it's surprising when hypnotic suggestions manifest, you don't know who you are anymore or what to expect of your behaviour. 

Last night I had a nightmare about the handmaid's tale and have only watched the first two episodes. 

Update 10pm - I feel like I'm losing control again, because I haven't been listening to hypnosis for hours everyday and am talking to a man. I don't want anything to do with men. He said he cheated on his wife so I know he isn't good enough for me. Some part of me thinks I'm just talking to him to make sure I don't go back to that forum. I don't like not having control over everything. A new person in my life brings up unknowns. I feel so alone. Also the hypnosis app suddenly broke. Sign from the universe?