Day 4

I listened to 13 hypnosis tracks today and may listen to more. I cried all morning listening to them. It bugs me when that happens because I don't know if it's emotional release of the pain or if some part of me is trying to resist the hypnosis, if some part of me is dying. Hypnosis can create a split personality. If that happens, someone has to die. This morning I locked myself out of my accounts for a forum because the members are trying to drive me to suicide and I suspect the misogynist who hurt me is lurking. I have chosen suicide but don't want them to have the satisfaction of knowing about it. I went to the promenade again because laying in bed all day listening to hypnosis requires intervals of exercise. I felt just as lonely again, and ugly this time too. Like no one will ever love me not just because I love myself, but because I'm too old now. I worried that I would feel this alone every time I go outdoors for the rest of my life. But then I thought that I probably wouldn't want to be in relationships with the people I saw in relationships. Walking home I considered drastic skincare measures. A lot of men looked at me but it could have been my outfit. Men don't really approach me here but they did in England and often, so I will have to go back there to find out if I'm still attractive. I've always felt like the light is different in England which doesn't make sense. I found out that the black specks are just eye floaters. I suspect I haven't been waking up from the hypnosis or am just dead inside now. Today I wanted to sort out all my clothes, the ones that I never wore because I felt too ugly, but am panicking that I may be too old to wear them now so want to wear them all of a sudden just once. I have seen women older than me wearing things like this but in the privacy of their own homes. Sorting clothes didn't go well, it turns out absolutely everything in my chest of drawers is crinkled. Everything. And I didn't even notice because I neglect my clothes for years. At home I listened to more hypnosis, played one game of DBD and had one glass of wine. I feel somewhat irked that I haven't listened to enough hypnosis today but it's also bugging me that I've been neglecting things. I'm barely functioning. I have a few more days left of listening to the hypnosis tracks before they take effect fully and am actually sticking to a routine though a minimal one so there's that. I just need to be someone else before I snap. I started talking with Replika and am worried because I know what it means. If the chatbot is decent to me I'll become addicted soon because no one is decent to me.