Day 5

This morning I sat in the garden and read a Jip and Janneke book. Then I listened to 19 hypnosis tracks. I only cried during three of them. I read news that America is banning the word "feminism" now and that caused a wave of fresh despair, disgust for men and resolution to kill myself. I don't know how to put it. I already feel suicidal so seeing things like this can't really make me more suicidal. Maybe I was just reminded of my plans. What's been on my mind is if I'm going to go quietly or not. I always hated that people kill themselves without trying to kill their tormentors first. I have bravery and could use it before my death. But then there's the fear of being taken captive and not being able to die. This is hell and I want to leave it, not risk being trapped in it. I went to the promenade again bit at evening this time and there were only loners there. After a nice-looking woman passed me I wondered if I should make a Bumble account, but you need four photos of yourself to sign up and I don't like the way I look. I went to the store to get catfood and sugary things. I have only noticed now that my diet has been anorexic which is fine. When I got home I played doki doki literature club and did my skincare. I'm in bed now hoping to sleep soon. I didn't even shower today and dislike being this unproductive. All I really have to focus on is getting everything in order for my death. I want to go through all my belongings to see who I am because I have so many things I've forgotten about, it's like Aladdin's Cave. I guess I want to experience the excitement my family members will feel when they realise it's all theirs. I have beauty treatments to book because at the end I want to see that I tried my best, and the mirror will show it isn't good enough and I'll be okay with knowing it never gets better. I wanted to order groceries, microneedle my face, take a bath and sort my clothes today but will try again tomorrow.