Day 6

Last night I stayed up until about 3am which is a shift in my sleeping pattern. I don't recall doing anything, just crying and feeling suicidal. Today I woke up at 10am and instead of listening to hypnosis first thing I went to the promenade instead. I didn't stay long because there was a man wearing a turban which reminded me of the worst of men. I checked out a clothes store and there were only two dresses I would have worn and one was plain black. I didn't like anything else. When I left I noticed in the window of the old women's clothing store that they had the exact same styles and patterns as the young women's store, just more frumpy. On the way home I noticed that the problems I've been trying to address with hypnosis have been consuming my mind. I was having intrusive thoughts that I'm worthless, and I never think that, but I know it's in resistance to the hypnosis. Now I'm wondering if I really do feel that way since I'm too old to be loved by anyone, I'm not pretty anymore. When I got home I applied for a loan and ordered groceries, then I listened to 17 hypnosis tracks. I didn't feel like eating until 7pm and had a cheesy chip with Swedish meatballs. I watched 20 minutes of the movie Lost In Translation. I don't know how I feel. I remember crying but don't remember much. I just showered and am feeling warm so am wearing a cherry pattern tank and shorts pyjama set. It's a rarity because I'm usually too sensitive to have bare skin when I sleep. I might change into leggings soon, don't know. It's almost 11pm now and I'll probably stay awake and do nothing. I have no feelings now.