Day Five

I don't know what day I finished reading Notice. The author killed herself and the ending described why, that surviving isn't healing, it's just stasis. I feel that way, that I've been dead inside for a long time and will never be okay. Yesterday I listened to 12 hypnosis tracks, studied for two hours, showered and cleaned my bedroom. Today I listened to more hypnosis, I don’t know how much, but I've been crying most of the day because I want to die, I can't take any more misogyny. I started rocking back and forth for the first time since coke. The plan was to wait until my bravery could be put to use before I off myself but two guys from a site have caused me distress, and the news that young men where I live are gathering to watch extreme misogyny screenings. It doesn't matter who wins the next election because I'll never feel okay sharing the earth with men. I don't know if going out with a bang is worth prolonging my suffering. 

I don't want to get out of bed today, idk what I'll do when my body becomes restless. Oh things with C are over. He said he was open if I wanted to talk with him and in the same paragraph said he only messages me when I message him first. He said he wanted to help me, I asked him if I was a chore to him because he seemed distant, and he said he liked talking to me. Turns out I was a chore to him and I was meant to understand that at some point... I'm upset about it, that men keep managing to hurt me. They're all the same. 

Day Three

I don't know if I'm dissociating or suffocating. I've been struggling to breathe all day, have to remind myself to exhale and can only do it through my mouth, nose is blocked from snorting research chemicals. I guess suffocating could cause the same effects, not being able to concentrate, low energy. 

I feel worse today, despair. I went to the library to study for a few hours, got some exercise in by walking there and back. When I got in I saw C had messaged me trying to continue the conversation he had ended yesterday, so I snapped at him.  I'm not really processing it, that I may have hurt him. I can't think about it right now. I started crying which made breathing worse. Then I made a stirfry and got into bed because I can't take anymore.

There's this secret group chat for sick girls. That's where I got the recommendation to read Notice. An author I admire set it up and she messaged me today with a link to her secret Tumblr. It's made me wonder if all female friendships are sick and unhealthy, because women aren't okay in patriarchy. If they seem okay they're just dissociating. The female friendships I've had were sick. 

It's almost 3am now, I read more of Notice and am going to lay in bed and do nothing now because I can't do anything.

Day Two

The dreams I remember are bad ones about men, this has been going on for at least a week or maybe a year. I'm dissociating and don't know what triggered it this time. Clay was cold to me and said goodbye, or maybe he said he's too busy to continue the conversation, he often said that he had better things to do, always made me feel like I was a chore. It's hard because I saw his photo and he looked kind, but he has red flags and I have a bad gut feeling about him. What makes me sad is even if men did realise they've fucked up and decide to respect women, it's still hopeless because they can't undo the conditioning they've had to be sexist. I guess Clay makes me feel depressed because he mistreated me while saying he wanted to help me, then he made me feel like I was too much. I know I'm not too much but I had to remind myself of that frequently because of him. He probably wanted me to feel that way, men always try to make me doubt myself.

I think I'm feeling some way about the outpouring of misogyny for Renee. I saw a meme that was mocking her child, making him wrinkly with an umbrella hat. The meme also showed her wearing a choker that said witch on it so I guess they're demonising pagan women as well. There shouldn't be anything left that shocks me about how depraved men are but it did, that they're calling for the murder of more women now. They're completely rabid and psychotic. There is nothing differentiating men from demons.

Today I managed to shower, make food, listen to two hypnosis tracks and read more of Notice. That's it. Mostly I stayed in bed feeling sad. Cutting crossed my mind but I don't feel like wearing long-sleeves these days. In Notice the women who take advantage of her are described as good-looking but I can't help picturing them as ugly and it's grossing me out. It's like some memory is trying to surface, I remember feeling disgust towards the girls who were attracted to me, not sure if it was because they didn't love me or if they were chubby or made it my problem. Another memory surfaces of my psychologist wanting to give me a hug, maybe she was attracted to me too. I guess I never thought about it deeply or never thought about it at all, but I think it wouldn't be harder for me to recover from being molested by a woman than being molested by a man. I don't know why. I mean in this book the couple make her roleplay their daughter in the incestuous act where he killed her, but it's the woman pressuring and touching her that's triggering me, nothing else. 

Ringing about my head is this month in my dad’s last year him telling me to study two hours a day and to quit drinking Monster. His advice is still relevant. The hypnosis I listened to was for study motivation and to get organised. It didn't work because I'm dissociating. Last note, a petition I made last year is gaining traction now, and I hate this entry before posting it.

Day One

The rainstorm woke me up around 6am. It featured in my dream and I just remember the ending, a blonde girl wearing a white knit sweater standing beside a lake, she was staring at me like something was wrong and she wanted to tell me what. I started reading Notice by Heather Lewis. I checked reviews and a main point people talk about is the narrator's flat tone of voice, that she's dissociating. It shocked me, because it never crossed my mind that I may be able to write with my catatonic voice and be successful. After reading for awhile I fell back asleep and woke up at 2pm feeling well-rested. I made a Greek breakfast bagel then got back into bed and cuddled my cat/read more of the book. I felt that I could finish reading it today but I'm taking a break because it may be traumatising me. I respond to trauma by dissociating and how am I meant to know if I'm being traumatised while that's happening? It doesn't feel safe to read it in one day because it's the darkest book I've read and I'm not reacting to it. I've spent the rest of the day ruminating and feeling suicidal and unsafe because of misogyny. I also feel hurt. That Clay chose a misogynist over me. Everything is so fragile. He could have been my friend but chose to validate my abuser instead. I just needed one person and will be dead soon. So it feels a little tragic because what if, but a Virgo always chooses head over heart, and realistically he was probably trying to hurt me because he's a man. Realistically he's a misogynist because he sees a misogynist as level-headed, and me as mentally ill. I'm angry as well, because of another depraved man who tried all the gaslighting tricks, saying he wants me to be safe, but of course he's a misogynist as well. They don't want me to be safe, they just don't want me to be able to escape this hell realm for women. They don't want me to become a role model for women. They just want me to suffer in their world.

Since I'm feeling more suicidal lately I think it's time to make diary entries.