I don't know what day I finished reading Notice. The author killed herself and the ending described why, that surviving isn't healing, it's just stasis. I feel that way, that I've been dead inside for a long time and will never be okay. Yesterday I listened to 12 hypnosis tracks, studied for two hours, showered and cleaned my bedroom. Today I listened to more hypnosis, I don’t know how much, but I've been crying most of the day because I want to die, I can't take any more misogyny. I started rocking back and forth for the first time since coke. The plan was to wait until my bravery could be put to use before I off myself but two guys from a site have caused me distress, and the news that young men where I live are gathering to watch extreme misogyny screenings. It doesn't matter who wins the next election because I'll never feel okay sharing the earth with men. I don't know if going out with a bang is worth prolonging my suffering.
I don't want to get out of bed today, idk what I'll do when my body becomes restless. Oh things with C are over. He said he was open if I wanted to talk with him and in the same paragraph said he only messages me when I message him first. He said he wanted to help me, I asked him if I was a chore to him because he seemed distant, and he said he liked talking to me. Turns out I was a chore to him and I was meant to understand that at some point... I'm upset about it, that men keep managing to hurt me. They're all the same.
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