Day One

The rainstorm woke me up around 6am. It featured in my dream and I just remember the ending, a blonde girl wearing a white knit sweater standing beside a lake, she was staring at me like something was wrong and she wanted to tell me what. I started reading Notice by Heather Lewis. I checked reviews and a main point people talk about is the narrator's flat tone of voice, that she's dissociating. It shocked me, because it never crossed my mind that I may be able to write with my catatonic voice and be successful. After reading for awhile I fell back asleep and woke up at 2pm feeling well-rested. I made a Greek breakfast bagel then got back into bed and cuddled my cat/read more of the book. I felt that I could finish reading it today but I'm taking a break because it may be traumatising me. I respond to trauma by dissociating and how am I meant to know if I'm being traumatised while that's happening? It doesn't feel safe to read it in one day because it's the darkest book I've read and I'm not reacting to it. I've spent the rest of the day ruminating and feeling suicidal and unsafe because of misogyny. I also feel hurt. That Clay chose a misogynist over me. Everything is so fragile. He could have been my friend but chose to validate my abuser instead. I just needed one person and will be dead soon. So it feels a little tragic because what if, but a Virgo always chooses head over heart, and realistically he was probably trying to hurt me because he's a man. Realistically he's a misogynist because he sees a misogynist as level-headed, and me as mentally ill. I'm angry as well, because of another depraved man who tried all the gaslighting tricks, saying he wants me to be safe, but of course he's a misogynist as well. They don't want me to be safe, they just don't want me to be able to escape this hell realm for women. They don't want me to become a role model for women. They just want me to suffer in their world.

Since I'm feeling more suicidal lately I think it's time to make diary entries.