I don't know if I'm dissociating or suffocating. I've been struggling to breathe all day, have to remind myself to exhale and can only do it through my mouth, nose is blocked from snorting research chemicals. I guess suffocating could cause the same effects, not being able to concentrate, low energy.
I feel worse today, despair. I went to the library to study for a few hours, got some exercise in by walking there and back. When I got in I saw C had messaged me trying to continue the conversation he had ended yesterday, so I snapped at him. I'm not really processing it, that I may have hurt him. I can't think about it right now. I started crying which made breathing worse. Then I made a stirfry and got into bed because I can't take anymore.
There's this secret group chat for sick girls. That's where I got the recommendation to read Notice. An author I admire set it up and she messaged me today with a link to her secret Tumblr. It's made me wonder if all female friendships are sick and unhealthy, because women aren't okay in patriarchy. If they seem okay they're just dissociating. The female friendships I've had were sick.
It's almost 3am now, I read more of Notice and am going to lay in bed and do nothing now because I can't do anything.
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