Day Two

The dreams I remember are bad ones about men, this has been going on for at least a week or maybe a year. I'm dissociating and don't know what triggered it this time. Clay was cold to me and said goodbye, or maybe he said he's too busy to continue the conversation, he often said that he had better things to do, always made me feel like I was a chore. It's hard because I saw his photo and he looked kind, but he has red flags and I have a bad gut feeling about him. What makes me sad is even if men did realise they've fucked up and decide to respect women, it's still hopeless because they can't undo the conditioning they've had to be sexist. I guess Clay makes me feel depressed because he mistreated me while saying he wanted to help me, then he made me feel like I was too much. I know I'm not too much but I had to remind myself of that frequently because of him. He probably wanted me to feel that way, men always try to make me doubt myself.

I think I'm feeling some way about the outpouring of misogyny for Renee. I saw a meme that was mocking her child, making him wrinkly with an umbrella hat. The meme also showed her wearing a choker that said witch on it so I guess they're demonising pagan women as well. There shouldn't be anything left that shocks me about how depraved men are but it did, that they're calling for the murder of more women now. They're completely rabid and psychotic. There is nothing differentiating men from demons.

Today I managed to shower, make food, listen to two hypnosis tracks and read more of Notice. That's it. Mostly I stayed in bed feeling sad. Cutting crossed my mind but I don't feel like wearing long-sleeves these days. In Notice the women who take advantage of her are described as good-looking but I can't help picturing them as ugly and it's grossing me out. It's like some memory is trying to surface, I remember feeling disgust towards the girls who were attracted to me, not sure if it was because they didn't love me or if they were chubby or made it my problem. Another memory surfaces of my psychologist wanting to give me a hug, maybe she was attracted to me too. I guess I never thought about it deeply or never thought about it at all, but I think it wouldn't be harder for me to recover from being molested by a woman than being molested by a man. I don't know why. I mean in this book the couple make her roleplay their daughter in the incestuous act where he killed her, but it's the woman pressuring and touching her that's triggering me, nothing else. 

Ringing about my head is this month in my dad’s last year him telling me to study two hours a day and to quit drinking Monster. His advice is still relevant. The hypnosis I listened to was for study motivation and to get organised. It didn't work because I'm dissociating. Last note, a petition I made last year is gaining traction now, and I hate this entry before posting it.