Day 12

The nightmare I had about the handmaiden tale, it was during the beginning of the coup, in the woods with the weird sisters from Sabrina taking these white pills, then I grew talons. Today I went to Belfast and saw the last of the parade and an anti-fascist sticker on a traffic light pole. Turns out my appointment was cancelled, she called in sick, so I didn't know what to do with myself. I bought lingerie and didn't respond to Mark all day. I'm never going to Belfast on St. Pat's again, all the food places had long queues. I went to a few stores, got Burger King and went home. Went home and drank vodka, replied to Mark but he's out on an adventure and doesn't seem to feel like talking now, so maybe it's over. I watched the handmaid's tale and am tucked into bed now, feeling overwhelmed, like the walls are closing in on me, out of control because I haven't been studying, unsafe when I see religious preachers and aware that what I saw today, my world, isn't secure. I would like to listen to hypnosis now but would rather pass out.

Update midnight - I can't sleep. Mark does want to chat, I don't. I listened to one hypnosis track and may listen to more. I was just daydreaming and a voice in my head called out my birthname. It was a man's voice, but not my dad's. I think this happened earlier today as well. It's rare when this happens and I don't understand it, out of the blue my subconscious calls out my birthname like it's trying to get my attention.